[___________], or the lack thereof
the title of this rambling is inspired by the title of the song: love, or the lack thereof. (close resemblense, no?)
I've been feeling like a glass half full or a glass half empty for sometime. Occasionally also like an empty glass. I've been thinking about the "Why" by being neglectful of how I've been feeling (Yes, I'm being very unserious).
The title for this rambling was chosen for a couple of reasons, it is the name (or at least 84.62% of it) of one of the very few songs I distinctly remember somebody from the past forced me to listen to. Secondly, it is also how I'm feeling; I left it blank because that's how I feel: blank.
Okay, real talk? I started with the title "words, or the lack thereof." because I haven't been able to write; so I thought "ok let's write about not being able to write." but then I figured out WHY I haven't been able to write. Because I have nothing to write about; which is when I started to play around and tried:
[experiences], or the lack thereof.
[life], or the lack thereof.
[people], or the lack thereof.
[partner/insert 34 other things], or the lack thereof.
I can't write because there I have been strategically (and unconsciously) removing parts of my life that I felt was irreparably damaged - which makes some sense, my therapist did call me a control freak (paraphrasing). I dived head-first into the one thing that was in my control and made most of my day all about it - work. I filled up my calendar so I didn't have to look at how empty it looked after 7pm.
Could I have made plans? Sure. Will I? Probably not, I'm running away from the potential conversations I will need to have.
[life], or the lack thereof --
[relationships], or the lack thereof --
[stories], or the lack thereof --
[love], or the lack thereof --
[a real plan], or the lack thereof --
[life], or the lack thereof -- [relationships], or the lack thereof -- [stories], or the lack thereof -- [love], or the lack thereof -- [a real plan], or the lack thereof --
Why am I writing this? Sure, I want to rant and yes I want to tell you that I found some words and yes I want to tell myself "hey, you can still write something - it's still there" and give myself a kind pat on my back but more importantly - I know some of you throw yourself into your work, I won't ask you to stop, but I'd ask you to take a step back and think about why you're doing it; are you genuinely swamped with work or are you tiring yourself out so you don't have to think about all of the problems that have been piling up in your cute little dumpster fire of a backyard.
A close friend recently called me "boring" and I was genuinely but invisibly taken aback; mostly because I'm used to being the bringer-of-whack-stories & funny incidents that can only happen to me. And I think that's where I draw the line - I cannot lose the child in me & not because people expect me to be the harbinger of youth or something but because I AM the harbinger of youth and a strong disbeliever in the concept of ageing.
[words], or the lack thereof.
Everything I wrote has been taken from stories and conversations, relationships & experiences, and thoughts that my brain thinks; I'm sure that holds true for most of us. I have unconsciously stripped myself of the source of my words, and I think I'm a little pissed?
Throughout the past weeks, I have tried sitting in front of a blank page on iA, on my blog. I have tried sitting with a pen & paper. I have tried looking into the wilderness of Bangalore's traffic - I couldn't find words.
So yes, I am pissed at myself for all of the things I have taken from myself.
March 16th:
bumping cars @thearcade
It was literally just two of us adults and everyone else like 10 year olds. I obviously won. I did not even know you could win bumper cars.
Corrective measures? Nourish my inner child. I want to feel what I felt at the arcade back in March when I momentarily forgot all about what was going on outside that compound.
Most people reading this are friends, acquaintances or colleagues of mine; so I am going to end this note with a plea: if we haven't met and haven't had a proper conversation - I would ask you to schedule some one-on-one time with me (https://cal.com/theonlysif/catchup) - no I'm just kidding.
Just text me. :)
